Hawksgal

I'm so stressed out, I don't know what to do. My husband of almost 7 years doesn't want to be married anymore. We've gone through so much stresses in our lives it seems we're just not meant to be. We want to make it as easy for McKenzie as possible, but I'm scared. I've never lived by myself before, I've always had Eric. We've been together for almost 9 years. He's all I know. He's my best friend, but we've been growing apart for sometime. I don't make a bunch of money, I don't know how I'll make it on my own, as least I don't have a car payment, so that's good, but I have to make sure I find someplace that is comfortable for McKenzie and I, and more importantly, someplace safe for us. I just need someplace to vent, I can't really talk to my family about this right now, so this is the place, my place to get it out. I know that I'm a strong woman, I've been through so much in the last few years, I know that I can do this, it's just going to be hard, but somehow I'll manage.

I've been bad, when I started this blog, I had the best of intentions on keeping up on it a few times a week maybe, but here at least 5 months from the last time I blogged, here I sit....
There has been so much going on the last few months, it's been the last thing on my mind. Maybe if I get it out here it'll make me feel a little better?

My husband and I decided a few months back that we were going to try to add to our family. Well, since at least October we had been trying. Finally after a few month it happened. On Feb 17 I took a pregnancy test and it was for sure positive, Eric and I couldn't of been more excited! McKenzie was finally going to get what she wished for! Well, we decided that since a few years ago we had a miscarriage that we would wait to tell everyone until we had to. By early/Mid March I had started to get sick while brushing my teeth in the morning, and I thought to myself...oh here we go again..another girl! But, after a couple of weeks of getting sick non stop, all day long, like can't keep anything down kind of thing, I ended up in the Urgent Care having to have fluids pumped, because of getting so sick and loosing like 10-15 lbs in a week. I was so dehydrated that the Urgent Care couldn't get an IV in me, so they ended up sending me to another hospital ER in Silverdale (about 30 minuted away) to have it done. After a couple of hours at the hospital I felt so much better, I was actually thirsty and I could keep it down! I ended up having a urinary tract infection as well. I was told to make a follow up appt with my Dr as I wasn't going in for my 1st appt until early April, they decided to have an ultrasound done just to make sure that everything was okay, so March 27 we went in and found out that I was about 9 weeks along and the due date would be Oct 30th. We saw a heartbeat and everything, we even saw it move around a bit. What a relief! So a few weeks pass and April 8th rolls around and I should be right around 11 weeks and my Dr decides to do an ultrasound in her office so she can take a peek. So does the external ultrasound and she gets quiet, I know what that means, I look for the heartbeat and I see nothing, it's not beating, and my Dr looks at me and says, lets do the other ultrasound (the internal one) and take a better look and make sure. She does it and says to me, I'm so sorry, but this looks like this pregnancy is going to end in a miscarriage. Oh my goodness! Eric didn't even come with me because we knew eveything was okay. I was instantly in shock..how could this happen again? We wanted this so bad! I ahd to call Eric and tell him over the phone, I couldn't just wait until I got home. How were we going to tell McKenzie, she was supposed to be finding out if it was going to be a brother or sister right around her birthday! She was so excited for it, we were going to let her go and everything. I ended up having to go into another clinic the next day to do another ultrasound on better equipment, just to be 100% sure, Eric went with me, it sucked so bad knowing that nothing good was going to come out of this day. And of course it didn't, so I called my Dr and scheduled my D&C for April 14, I called my boss and told her I needed the rest of the week off and that I would be back on the 20th and just waited for the 14th to come. Easter was only in a few days, I was supposed to be going to a wedding that weekend and I just didn't feel like doing anything, I just wanted to cry all the time. I had my moments and tried to hold out from crying in front of McKenzie, but she knew that I was sad, but she was still making references to the 'baby' in my tummy, so it was very hard. Eric and I did the best we could to make McKenzie's Easter nice, we just had a quiet dinner at home and the hunt inside since the weather wasn't so cooperative. Eric's brother came over and watched Kenzie while we went in the for the D&C and got her off to school, the procedure went okay and after a few hours and I was back home resting with some meds. It's so hard for me to deal with....do you try to have more? How many times can we go through this before it happens? My Dr's office doesn't really look into why it happened until it happens one more time, but can I handle another time? I know it'll be easier with time to deal with all of this, but my husband tells me that he doesn't know if he can handle it again, that he doesn't know if he sure. How does that all change in a few weeks time? That's all I ever wanted was to be a mom, which thank goodness for McKenzie to bring me as much joy as she does, but I always wanted at least two, that way they would have each other, I ached for more siblings when I was younger. So, as I sit here, typing this out exactly a month after having the D&C it's a constant thought in my mind...what does the future hold for us? Our family has been through so much the last couple of years, we have to catch our break sometime right? RIGHT?